Requiem for a dream

As I used to say "If you really want something, you will get it" .. or, as Omar Khayyam said "The future is something like a book, but a special one, the one that the wind of eternity blows by chance!"

Why do we all the time expect for something extraordinary instead of just enjoying life? Why do we forget to really live? To laugh, to smile, to run like crazy, to walk randomly, explore new places? Maybe all the time "conscience" keeps up from real happiness!

Before coming here I thought that this experience would shape us, each of the Erasmus students around BI.

But. is not that much true ... we are who we are, just we become more open! We don't radically change, but something inside us changes. All of a sudden, we start discovering, like toddlers, try to catch the most of this wonderful chance, called "Erasmus Program".

I used to love chocolate home, sweets, chilling with my friends .. and promised myself that coming here I will totally quit all these "bad" habits. But really, who cares? Who counts the no. of calories in a innocent piece of chocolate? Or in the morning coffee, which invites you to have a splendid day? Are we so blind that we really forget to appreciate a good doughnut? Or rice and milk? (thank you, Flory):*

So, thank you all my new friends, even if we don't have time to meet that often ... looking forward for the Halloween party, and enjoy this unique experience!

Despre mine

Azi mi-am dat seama ca, de fapt, de cand am creat acest blog, care se presupune a fi unul personalizat, am scris doar in engleza, si de fapt, nimic concret despre mine, ceea ce sunt cu adevarat!

Pe aceasta cale vreau sa-mi cer scuze, oficial, celor care nu ma cunosc cu adevarat, sau, mai bine zis, care nu stiu prea multe despre mine. Aici vreau sa fac un fel de "marturisire". Tot ceea ce va fi scris va fi 100% adevarat, lucruri din trecut care si-au pus amprenta asupra mea. Dap, nu e bine sa vorbesti despre propria persoana foarte mult, dar intr-o era a tehnologiei, in care oamenii interactioneaza cel mai mult in lumea virtuala, este greu de "descoperit" lucruri pe care acum 100 de ani le aflai direct de la oameni.

Asa ca, iata, pe scurt, povestea vietii mele:

Inca de mica am fost un copil rasfatat, in centrul atentiei, in special al alor mei, care mi-au oferit dragostea lor neconditionata, si pe aceasta cale, le multumesc din suflet. Se spune ca grija pentru un copil este reflectata in caracterul pe care il are, asa ca faptul ca n-am avut parte de bunici a fost compensat cu varf si indesat. Poate alti parinti ar fi cedat, dar cei care mi-au fost alaturi mereu ne-au invatat, pe mine si pe Fanica (fratele) ce inseamna un om moral, cinstit, cat valoreaza sa fii, in primul rand, OM.

Dap, poate sunt un om demodat, dar imi place cel mai mult la un om calitatea de a fi OM, de a avea idealuri, respect si principii. Valori in care sa creada, si sa nu si le schimbe niciodata. Astazi, ceea ce se promoveaza la TV este puterea unui om atunci cand este parvenit. Aici imi permit sa contrazic puternic opinia comuna a poporului nostru...nu, un om este extrem de puternic daca este EL, cu tot ceea ce inseamna, adica este educat, cu principii solide si, mai ales, nu isi uita originile, never!

Ador arta, dovada fiind si picturile publicate, facute integral de mine, si de care sunt f mandra:D. Imi place tot ceea ce tine de frumos, de la culorile pe care le port (in ultima vreme non-culori) pana la marii artisti, gen Michelangelo, Rembrandt, Rubens, Da Vinci (pe care il consider cel mai inteligent om din istorie) sau produse de make-up. Dap, prietenii ma cunosc,...nu ma pot schimba...pur si simplu, atunci cand vad un gloss sau ceva de care simt ca am nevoie (de cele mai multe ori nu e cazul). Iar o istorie amuzanta este cea legata de machiaj atunci cand eram mica...am facut troc cu mama pt un ruj,,..care s-a dovedit a fi ranced; pe langa faptul ca-i ciordeam lui mami fardurile si imi patam bluzele, sau ca nu ieseam din casa cu unghiile nefacute...show;))

Cititul mi se pare bun pentru minte si suflet; descoperirea unei carti spune atat de multe despre personalitatea unei fiinte, indiferent din ce categorie sociala face parte, indiferent de religie, rasa. Caracterele create nu-ti permit sa-i judeci, doar sa-i analizezi; sa simpatizezi cu ei sau nu; sa intelegi anumite decizii si tipologii, care au fost de cand lumea.

Invatam din fiecare experienta care ni se intampla; important este sa extragi seva din acel ceva, din fiecare intamplare sa inveti, sa progresezi, sa devii mai bun sau mai rau, sa treci peste sau nu, dar important este sa nu te faci ca si cum n-ar fi existat.

Imi place sa socializez, sa simt cum oamenii sunt apropiati, comunica, iar cand sunt inchisi/falsi/ascund ceva, incerc sa-i evit, insa fara prea mare folos. Intr-adevar, nu este bine sa-ti oferi inima pe tava, ca pe ceva gratis, dar nici sa pretinzi a fi altcineva! Oamenii, prin natura lor sunt complecsi, si-mi place sa cred ca interactionam pentru a ne fi mai bine tuturor in viitor, ca o conexiune insesizabila, Problema romanilor apare insa ca, atunci cand cineva este mai bun ca ei, incearca sa-i dea in cap, nu sa admire tacit sau tare si sa incerce sa ajunga si ei, acolo sus, prin propriile forte:( Modelele sunt ceea ce ar trebui sa ne alegem in viata, nu sa distrugem. Asa cum spuneam si mai devreme, sa idealizam, dar fara a cadea in idolatrizare.


Muzica buna este cea pentru suflet, nu cea care este trendy, ci cea care te reprezinta, care iti da putere de a te atasa de momentele dragi tie; de a visa, iubi, rade cu lacrimi, plange sau, pur si simplu, bucura de viata. Da, suna extrem de utopic, dar muzica este in fiecare dintre noi, trebuie doar s-o simtim si sa nu ne rusinam cu ea (ma rog, aici imi permit sa exclud manenele, nu ca as avea ceva cu ele, dar nu prea se potrivesc idealului meu muzical...sorry)

Imi place sa imi creez modele, sa admir oameni, dar doar pentru anumite aspecte ale vietii, deoarece nimeni nu e perfect, deci, unele modele ar fi:
- Raul de la Real Madrid, pentru ca, dincolo de a fi fotbalist, este un familist convins, iar atunci cand joaca, este de placere, fara rautati
- Nadal, deoarece tot ce a obtinut a fost prin multa munca, nu neaparat talent, dar a luptat pentru tot (exact ca mine)
- Doamna profesoara Maracine, pentru calitatea de a fi PROFESOR; atunci cand intra in sala din amfiteatru, te intreaba ce mai faci, iar apoi isi face meseria impecabil
- Domnul Ursachi, care nu mai are nevoie de descriere... managementul merita multe!
- Doamna Coravu, diriginta, profa de mate, care, desi nu a fost simpatizata de multi colegi, a stiut sa se impuna si scoata tot ce-i mai bun din noi
- Doamna Diaconescu, pentru orele de Romana, dar, mai ales, lectiile de viata, care ne-au invatat ce inseamna respectul
- Bethoween, care a devenit mai mare ca Mozart, si niciodata nu s-a indoit de ce va lasa omenirii
- Miha, prietena mea din Amsterdam, care m-a invatat ce inseamna perseverenta si bunatatea
- Sefa, pentru puterea de a trece peste obstacole cu zambetul pe buze
- Tatal meu, pentru omul de stiinta care si-a sacrificat oarecum viata pentru o lume mai buna, dezvoltarea si traditia Romaniei departe de granite
- Mama, pentru persoana puternica si academica, cu suflet de aur. Ea inseamna totul, iar mama este, pur si simplu, cea care m-a motivat mereu, mai mult decat oricine, care m-a invatat ce inseamna sacrificul, iubirea, grija fata de ceilalti, respectul si modestia, calitati rare in zilele noastre

Acum, alta parere pe care o am despre mine este ca,...uneori par aroganta, sau rea...intr-adevar, fiecare om are si partile lui negative, dar, in proportie de 99% nu fac asta intentionat. Oamenii nu vad asta poate pentru ca sunt altfel construiti, dar fiecare are modalitatea lui de a se exprima, iar daca vorbesc mult nu inseamna k si stiu, ci ca, pur si simplu, asa sunt construita. Multi ma vad o persoana puternica, dar vulnerabilitatea exista in fiecare dintre noi; limitele pe care le-am tot depasit m-au facut mai tare, dar cu ce pret... Imi place foarte mult expresia "Arata-te puternic cand esti slab, si slab cand esti puternic" sau "Nu conteaza cum ti-e trupul, daca sufletul e in genunchi". Imi doresc foarte mult, pentru binele umanitatii, sa incetam a eticheta oamenii dupa aparente, sa incercam intai sa cunoastem persoanele cu care avem tangente, deoarece suntem niste "nimeni"; nu avem dreptul sa judecam dupa aparente.

Cred ca ultimii doi ani m-au maturizat foarte mult...stiu, in esenta sunt aceeasi Anca, dar, ceva parca s-a schimbat. Am invatat atatea...cum ca, uneori, trebuie pur si simplu sa lasi sa treaca anumite lucruri; sa nu te astepti sa primesti ceva bun, iar cand ai parte de ceva frumos, sa te bucuri din toata inima, deoarece, cel mai probabil, rare sunt momentele in care vei mai avea parte de ceva atat de sincer si frumos! Sa stii sa astepti, sa fii multumit cu ceea ce ai, sa dai tot ce-i mai bun din tine, sa  razi, sa stii sa traiesti, sa-ti urmezi visele indiferent de obstacole, sa nu te subestimezi, sa stii cand sa spui NU, sa admiri tot ceea ce te inconjoara! Copilaria s-a dus, dar asta nu inseamna ca noi ne vom schimba radical.

Imi pare rau ca am spus doar atat, dar este tarziu...oricum, enjoy!

Rolling in the deep

I've read recently a book belonging to Schopenhauer about new perspectives of love. Despite the fact it was written 150 years ago, in many aspects he was so right... He considers that we, as human nature, choose our partners for a life-time due to our own criteria of reproduction; how our offsprings would look like in the future. That the majority of our experiences in love are based on tangible characteristics, like hair, mouth, eyes; a world in which brains are put at the end of our check list. 


So, here is my question: can we be happy only by choosing others just for the sake of our children? Are we ready to make this sacrifice just to have a perfect picture of family in our opinion? Or is more important to be selfish and consider real arguments when being with someone else capacities like intellectual match, manners, chemistry, all the package, not only slices of it? 


Even if people around us suggest a person is not the right in the long run, we simply give it a try, and offer our hearts, regardless the consecuences...


Everyone says you cannot be accomplished simultaneosly in both personal and professional life. But I could; I was, I felt, like Nina in Black Swan. Yes, I was the happiest person on Earth. With my joy I was capable to do everything, to overcome my limits and transform impossible in possible. But there  comes a time when you have no longer the personal "unreal" life. And you set goals, you reach your aims, but you simply don't take the maximum from that moment. How can you move on, if you feel everything around you is just misery? Simply - the ground is splitting, people are similar to ghosts, and the only remained action is to stop and fall down. But how important people could skip the moment and move on? There is no secret receipt, the rescuing solution comes from you, from what you are and from what you wanna do in your future development. 1 billion people can give you an advice, but still it is you who is the only one with the alternatives: wether to stop or move on.


This is a special gift for my friend Elena, I'm sure she understands perfectly what I'm talking about. You are one of the most important people that matter to me, and I'm sure you'll be a successfull woman!


In the end, the lyrics are dedicated to a special person, who made me better and influenced positively my disordered life (great song: Adele - Rolling in the deep)


There's a fire starting in my heart, 
Reaching a fever pitch and it's bring me out the dark, 

Finally, I can see you crystal clear, 
Go ahead and sell me out and a I'll lay your ship bare, 
See how I'll leave with every piece of you, 
Don't underestimate the things that I will do, 

There's a fire starting in my heart, 
Reaching a fever pitch and it's bring me out the dark, 

The scars of your love remind me of us, 
They keep me thinking that we almost had it all, 
The scars of your love, they leave me breathless, 
I can't help feeling, 

We could have had it all, 
(You're gonna wish you never had met me), 
Rolling in the deep, 
(Tears are gonna fall, rolling in the deep), 
You had my heart inside of your hand, 
(You're gonna wish you never had met me), 
And you played it to the beat, 
(Tears are gonna fall, rolling in the deep), 

Baby, I have no story to be told, 
But I've heard one on you and I'm gonna make your head burn, 
Think of me in the depths of your despair, 
Make a home down there as mine sure won't be shared, 

The scars of your love remind me of us, 
(You're gonna wish you never had met me), 
They keep me thinking that we almost had it all, 
(Tears are gonna fall, rolling in the deep), 
The scars of your love, they leave me breathless, 
(You're gonna wish you never had met me), 
I can't help feeling, 
(Tears are gonna fall, rolling in the deep), 

We could have had it all, 
(You're gonna wish you never had met me), 
Rolling in the deep, 
(Tears are gonna fall, rolling in the deep), 
You had my heart inside of your hands, 

[ From: http://www.metrolyrics.com/rolling-in-the-deep-lyrics-adele.html ]

(You're gonna wish you never had met me), 
And you played it to the beat, 
(Tears are gonna fall, rolling in the deep), 

Could have had it all, 
Rolling in the deep, 
You had my heart inside of your hands, 
But you played it with a beating, 

Throw your soul through every open door, 
Count your blessings to find what you look for, 
Turn my sorrow into treasured gold, 
You'll pay me back in kind and reap just what you've sown, 

(You're gonna wish you never had met me), 
We could have had it all, 
(Tears are gonna fall, rolling in the deep), 
We could have had it all, 
(You're gonna wish you never had met me), 
It all, it all, it all, 
(Tears are gonna fall, rolling in the deep), 

We could have had it all, 
(You're gonna wish you never had met me), 
Rolling in the deep, 
(Tears are gonna fall, rolling in the deep), 
You had my heart inside of your hands, 
(You're gonna wish you never had met me), 
And you played it to the beat, 
(Tears are gonna fall, rolling in the deep), 

Could have had it all, 
(You're gonna wish you never had met me), 
Rolling in the deep, 
(Tears are gonna fall, rolling in the deep), 
You had my heart inside of your hands, 

But you played it, 
You played it, 
You played it, 
You played it to the beat.

Oslo, here I come...

It's said you never have to lose hope; always trust yourself. The problem with trust is that we have to learn it the hard way, as we all the time consider mature when, in fact, we are like particles from the brownian movement. Actually, when comes the maturity? Only when you learn from your own mistakes. Even if somebody tells you the tomato is red, you don't believe it till you taste it. This is our major problem: we simply don't wanna grow up, like children we smell everything, touch it, 'in a research environment'.
But, here comes the dilemma: if someone says you cannot do something, comes the reaction immediately: you simply do it:)). And this has serious results and impacts. What I've wanted to state is that if you really wanna have something, you simply get it. Not now, not tomorrow, probably somewhere in the future, but that "special something" is settled for you and waits till you get. Like "Morgana girl", you know is there, but cannot touch it. Some may fall down till they get to the trhope, some may lose hope, but definitely, it's prepared for you and waits for your ambitious and motivation to come and take it.
The brief introduction is for something that finnally happened to me, after 2 years of attempts. I'll be somewhere in Europe (hopefully Oslo) in August, but I've wanted this phenomenon for so long...so badly. So, my advice for all of you is ... to never lose hope. And, to be all the time surrounded by true friends, who can help you when you're down. And here I'd like to mention Monicutza, Ruxi, Miha, Miha, Boboaca and Pisi. They know why, especially in the year 2010, during winter. It's so important to have your friends ... If it would be to choose a country when you can be accomplished on the social hierarchy, definitely Romania has a lot to give! But I'll update the Erasmus part sooner, when the official result will come.
Don't forget: Never lose hope!!!

Decisions...

When we love, we simply believe (and are) we are invincible...that everything which till that moment was impossible now has a powerful meaning. We are great, moving mountains, cross the line all the time. We are so deep in love, just losing ourselves, forget about things we liked, just enjoying the moment. But what about the time when the other says stop? Yes, it hurts so badly, we blame it saying it's not fair. But do we really take everything we are told for real? No, we think all the time we have the right to decide for others, that the only thing that matters is our own happiness. 

A friend of mine told me it's selfish to wish being happy, that you better be satisfied with what you've got, cause your happiness may hurt others. But can anyone state he/she is an accomplished person only with common believes? That it doesn't hope for the best all the time? We are built to fight, to do whatever takes to get where we want. But, as Marlin Monroe said: "Celebrity is like a material thing, you are successful, but during night, it doesn't warm you enough". How can we pretend to be loved by someone, if we cannot offer the same thing in exchange? 

And yes, it's real the quote that you cannot have everything in the same time..having a wonderful professional life, blended with a personal one. But do you know why? God, sometimes, has problems with timing schedule...just misses the period when two people fall in love. Indeed, we are impatient when coming the perfect story of our life, but we really have to work out on the awaiting list...to settle some priorities, and when something good happens in our lives, and just changes the "natural order", to let it action. Never stop, cause in the end, maybe we'll be nothing left

I have a problem, a major one...I get easily attached on things, tangible ones. Why? Because people in life come and go, but objects are still there, as a memory of what we are, as a whole. Maybe some blame me for having this infancy hobby, but we need to build the aim on strong roots.

And here comes the fundamental question in my opinion: Are we able to give up to everything we thought till that moment for love? Or we'll remain unhappy? Or...the person next to us will appreciate this supreme gift as something special? I admire the ones that made this sacrifice, they are truly blessed. But don't forget to settle your priorities...you may never know what is made for you!

New beginnings

We are the owners of our destiny. Even if we interact with people all the time, it's just the illusion they've changed our faith. Indeed, everyone needs to have a social life, part of a hierarchy, but for it's own benefits, it's compulsory to decide for itself... I've always tried to find excuses, to state that oh...I could have done that...ok...but why didn't I do it?
Romanian people have the belief in their "blood". Some may judge me...how can I state that an intagible asset can coordinate our actions? The cultural background is still alive, we, as a nation, need to raise like the Pheonix bird, from our own dust.
Selfish individuals may say that they don't have beliefs, that they are the masters of their own decisions. But never, I mean ... never, dind't they need a superior force to help them to keep on walking? And here I'm not reffering on friends, family&co...no,...to our alter ego. Indeed, the motivation is internal, you cannot be helped without having the initiative; but isn't in you something/someone that whispers you to move on?
You cannot see in the future without having incentive roots in the past. It's a saying "As much as you can look deep into the past, as much you can forsee your future". So, why shall we erase the memories, feelings, knowledge, just for the sake of having the freedom of building something new, totally unknow, in the future? It's so difficult to think just for a second, at our happiness, instead of our own goals/respect gained in society? To feel? Having no constraints? Just enjoy the moment? No matter who we are, who is our companionship, just be HUMAN in a globalisation society.
These are some of the reflections I felt while discussing with various foreigners last year. They have an awful image about Romanians, and about people's mentalities in special.

As a young generation, we want to create so many opportunities, but just as a saying, cause in the real world, we do nothing to aquire our dreams. Teenagers are promoted to go and study abroad, just to leave the country. But really, cannot we, as potential builders, to change future generations to better perspectives? That's why we are born? To help other nations to develop? And leave nothing to our origin nation? And our destiny is created by us...we need just to cope - take initiate-coordinate - and implement. Just unifying our forces we can be better. Without envying the others - just admiring them - and sustain, as a development group!

All these reasons were said because .. in a month, my destiny will be decided as well. I'm a 2-master-programs student, and will have 2 session exams...what can be more difficult than to fight for your perspectives? And yes, I admit I believe in God, with the superior concept of somebody who'se there and motivates you whaen you are in greatest need. Whay do I state all these above? Cause the chances of getting an Erasmus scholarship are quite low if I wanna get higher grades in both programs ... and I don't know yet how to improve the wealth of my country, but, no matter where I'll be in a few years/decades, i wanna help, cause this "shitty country", how it's the global general opinion, gave me so many...my parents, my brother, my nearest&dearest and ... my friends.
So, thank you Romania!

If you really want to do something, you will find a way. If you don;t, you'll find an excuse!

Sometimes it's okay to assume risks. Today, I've watched the record from the graduation's prom...it was great, but the greatest thing was the speech of my favourite teacher...she said we should assume our life, with good and bad occurences; to value each moment and be happy they've existed; to smile and look forward, learning from each thing that interacted with us.
Looking back, how many of us didn't say they would return back in time, just to have the chance of changing something. But, being so perfect, would be us still able to become better? To cry, laugh, socialise, learn and be taught? No...because NOBODY's perfect. Indeed, everyone is looking for perfection, or at least, a higher level than the counterparts, but, why don't we just stop; reflect and afterwards enjoy life?
So, this is my advice: enjoy life, as I do now (tomorrow it's my niece's baptism:X...so...family reunion!)